My Testimony

I figure that the best place to start a blog about the grace of God is with my testimony...

I didn't come to have faith in Christ until I was 19yrs old.

Something that I appreciate about my parents is that they didn't push their beliefs on me. My mother enjoyed the foundations of the Buddhist faith, but didn't practice it and my father was purely Agnostic. My step-mom however was very "spiritual". At the time, I also thought she was very evil. She encouraged my father to start taking us to church. I was in our church youth group during 8th and 9th grade and it was fun. I made friends, but that was the extent of it.

I moved back in with my mom my sophomore year of high school, where, like my father, I soon became Agnostic. I had a sense that God existed and that there was a realm beyond my own understanding, one that I thought I may never know. I lived the typical high-school life and I thought I was a "good" person. My identity was in being "good". My life looked better than a lot of others I knew and that was enough for me.

When I was 17, I noticed that I was getting a lot of attention from guys. Before graduation, I broke up with my boyfriend and when summer started, that's when things got crazy. I was 18, single, promiscuous and "free", or so I thought. I became obsessed with partying, I would go out clubbing every chance I could get. I posted trashy pictures of myself on facebook, to give everyone the idea that I was more than just a "good" girl, I could be bad too.

Even at work, I was a tease and a flirt. It fed me moment to moment, to know that I was attractive and desirable. I didn't desire sex, but I knew how to use my language and gestures as a lure, whether or not I followed through. But I was never filled, I always sought out more men to want me. That all changed with my biggest challenge yet, my manager.

At the end of the Summer in 2007, I had a conversation with my manager, which ended with me convincing him to take me on a date. I remember feeling elated at the possibility of tasting the forbidden fruit of a manager/employee affair. However, my plans changed when we went out and I actually fell for him.

He claimed to be a Christian. His faith didn't seem to get in the way, so I accepted it and was even intrigued by it. We started dating and moved into an apartment in West Seattle in the Summer of 2008. It wasn’t until that Fall that the topic of going to church arose. His family members were mostly Christian and even though they loved me, they did not approve of us living together. We visited their church in October. I broke down. I couldn’t explain why I felt so uncomfortable. But I just wanted to leave.

After that experience I did not want to go back, but my boyfriend urged me to consider another church. A church that was different. That church was Mars Hill Church. We went to Mars Hill in November and right off the bat I knew that something clicked. Pastor Mark spoke in a way that I had never heard the gospel preached. It was during the Peasant Princess series and I remember thinking that a church should not be talking about sex, but I liked it. I don’t remember the moment that I believed, but I remember that God began to change my heart and desires to be for Christ. In January of 2009 my boyfriend and I stopped sleeping together, I was baptized on Easter and in August I moved out. We continued to date and we joined a Community Group in December.

By January of 2010, I was done. I had grown bitter and resentful towards my boyfriend for not leading me well like the Christian I thought he “should have” been. I was reading Exodus 32: the Golden Calf and God told me that I was worshiping my boyfriend as an idol. I was holding onto a broken relationship because I thought it was better than being alone. I broke up with him and continued to get deeper in community. God showed me that I wasn’t alone. My CG was such a big support to me during this time. They really helped me to grow, to see where my idols were, and to lead me to repentance.

I began to serve on the Front Desk team during mid-week and serving in Kids’ Ministry on Sundays. In Spring of 2010, I started Redemption Group and at the Redemption Celebration I was absolutely broken over my sin. Something that up till that point I had never really felt. It was so freeing to know that I was released from the shame and condemnation of my past. That Christ loved me enough to take my penalty.

In the Summer of 2010 I moved in across the street from my CG leader and his wife. It was a great season of community. Mars Hill Church was going to plant a church in Portland and I was dedicated to going and helping with the plant. But in January of 2011, I lost my job and I didn’t know what I would do. A couple that I babysat for a few times offered for me to stay with them for free until I would go to Portland. What a blessing! I moved in with this great family, but when September came around, I was having issues getting into the school in Portland. It was suggested to me that I consider doing the internship at Mars Hill West Seattle. I fought that idea. I thought for sure that my plan was better, but God had a better plan. He told me that I should do the internship, so I signed up.

The internship has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. My faith is tested daily. But God has been so faithful despite my faithlessness. He is teaching me so much and I just desire to see my life used to proclaim who he is and his glory.